My Blarg.

I don't have a dream job, but i wish I did. Funny this should come up today. I've been struggling with this kind of subject for over a month now. In a half an hour I'll be telling my shrink about a possible new opportunity for me. After that I'll be telling my mom, and I can only hope she will not be a dream smasher.

I like my current job fine...I do bookkeeping for my mom's business, which could someday be mine. But I sooooo do not want it. I used to, but then I realized it was a future I was simply settling for and not something I actually want to do. If it were, I would have gotten my Real Estate License by now. But, just because I don't wanna own the place doesn't mean I wanna quit anytime soon. It's very comfortable here, I make good money for the hours I work, my schedule is flexible and my boss-mom babysits my kids when I need to work late. However. The business is simply existing and surviving, which is actually great considering the economy, but! It means I won't be getting a raise anytime soon and my hours will not increase. I'm on salary based on 30 hours a week...I average about 20 and take the rest out of vacation pay (I have hundreds of hours and can't afford a real vacation) I'd take another cut and go down to a salary based on 20 or 25 hours, but I'm already broke as fuck. So for now, I'll stick with the vacation pay thing.

At this rate, I'm never going to be able to afford to live on my own (which I currently have no desire for, but in a few years, yeah), I can't afford to fix my car or buy a new one, I can't afford to pay off my credit cards which I am currently dodging phone calls for.

So, I'm hoping this opportunity works out. It would be nice to have a goal, something to work for, some kind of future, instead of just...existing. It wouldn't be my dream job, but I would be more fulfilled by it for sure.

I suppose if I could do ANYTHING as a job and be guaranteed pay, regardless of qualifications, I would be an artist. I have SO much to learn as an artist and there's no way in hell I could make a living off of it.
That, or I would do set design for TV, movies and plays. When I went to school for interior design I was introduced to that kind of job. Unfortunately, I'd have to move to a big city and I just can't do that...I'm rooted here, I like it here, I wouldn't uproot my kids and I don't have the qualifications anyway...but it sounded fun :)

Living with my mom was going well...it was a little tight in her small house, and I felt stifled creatively, but it was going ok. I went through some more hardcore depression, med changes, self reflection.
My 15 year old cousin came to visit in November. When I took her back home I saw how incredibly sad she was to go home and how crappy the people there were treating her. It broke my heart. She came to visit again after Christmas. Two days later, as I was about to ask her if she had ever thought about living up here, she emailed me and asked if she might be able to come live with us in the summer. I talked to my mom and we both agreed the sooner she came to live with us the better. Though, how to fit another person into the house?

My mom had a plan. We had just picked up a new rental, a four bedroom house with a pool, 3-car garage, nice neighborhood, but expensive. Amanda gets $800 from SS due to her father's death when she was 6, and we needed that in order to make this work. Her mom took some convincing, but she finally agreed and Amanda came to live with us mid-January.

Just before that my 17 year old cat died :(
Her innards were failing so she was put to sleep. Our 16 year old cat took it hard :(
Then Amanda, who hates cats, came to live with us and a week after that we uprooted her from a home she knew all her life and moved her. My mom felt she was lonely and needed a playmate, so she suggested we get a puppy that she had previously said no to. Yes, a puppy...for a cat. Needless to say, the cat wasn't happy. She's warmed up some...she plays with her in her own way...she hisses and swats and chases, but no claws are involved (and she's still bigger than the pup, so i think she's having fun being the "dominant" one :)

So that's what we are now, a big happy family :D
We have some drama brewing, Amanda's mom hasn't been sending her money, so my mom has met with SS to have the payer changed to herself, and she's filed for guardianship, because we can't get medical for Amanda without a birth certificate and we don't have the authority to order one, nor will anyone provide us with one. There is SO much that cannot be done without the girl's birth certificate, it's ridiculous...

My meds are finally dialed in and I'm functioning well! I still have moments of feeling like a big fat failure because I rely on my mom for so much, but it usually passes pretty quickly. Have some projects for my creative outlet in the works, pretty excited about that!

Well, that's it for now, much to do around the house (I've been in a lazed funk lately...sleeping late, molded to the couch, playing on my phone...though I don't feel "depressed"...not sure what's going on with that...)

A LiveJournal app!! Why the hell didn't I look for this like a year ago?? Now I can update more often :D
Just...not at the moment...

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Forgot to include my picture of them!!

The first day of school went great! They didn't cry, they weren't scared, Emily was really excited, Nick seemed a little more reserved, he may have been nervous. It's awesome that they started with a couple of friends from Preschool. I also went to pick them up for the first day, so they could see Miss Elizabeth from daycare/preschool and show how she is going to pick them up from then on, talk to the teacher so she knows about that. First thing Em says to me when she sees Elizabeth is "can we go in Miss Elizabeth's car??" Why yes, yes you can :) Jacob decided he wanted to go too, which I think hurt his mom's feelings just a little. She's having more trouble letting go than I am. She managed not to cry when we had dropped them off though. Elizabeth and I had gotten to the school for pick up a little early so we had some time to chat. SHE cried that morning because her oldest just went into 6th grade...so it was his last first day at that school. Sap ;P

Now drop offs take place at the playground because they start with a short recess. As soon as we pass through that gate *zooom!!* my kids are gone. No goodbye, no hug and kiss, nothing. If I linger long enough they come back. Yesterday the first thing Emily did was run over to her teacher and wrap a big hug around her waist. It was sweet, but my mom pointed out, it's also a good way for Emily to become a favorite. Is she manipulating? We shall see...
I guess Jacob had trouble letting go the second day, he was crying and wouldn't let Amber leave. So she ended up crying, then ran out of gas and cried some more. Today went smooth again though. As I tell someone else's story. I guess I ran out of my own...

I guess I should stop procrastinating and go finish cleaning the apartment. *sigh*

So I was feeling I might have been stood up when I finally saw their truck. I didn't REALLY think they'd flake, but they WERE late, so I had reason to be paranoid :P
Amber (and Roy, the dad) brought a picnic! They packed sandwiches for all of us, including a ham one for....oh. Yeah, it was a really really sweet thought and I totally appreciate it, but yeah.
Not five minutes into eating her phone goes off and she's like "whaaat?!" confused like and answers.
"Hey, what are you doin'? I'm at Jacob's school. Why are you in Chico? A surprise? For me?"
Insert Roy facepalm.
"Did Roy know about this? Did he know of a certain date and time?" The conversation continues and it's clear. The playdate is over. Boo.

In the long run it's ok, we're all pretty beat, not sure how long we would have lasted anyway :)
She promised we'll try again another time, when she makes sure Roy hasn't booked anything else for her. Men. :P

Is it really only 5:30? Feels like it should be bedtime. I'm beat. Didn't get to sleep last night until around 1:30am...which is REALLY late for me. Then up at 7am to get the kids off to school. Trying to set their clock before real school tomorrow. Hope they sleep well tonight. Morning was a real bugger, getting Emily out of bed. Prying her out is more like it...I had to physically pull her out of her bed. Only to have her climb back in after it was made!! But once she was up she managed out the door fine.

Still working on getting the damn apartment cleaned. I should be done tomorrow, depending on how much work, at like, real work, I have.

We're off to meet Amber and Jacob soon. Jacob is their bestest friend and Amber is his mom :)

Went to the old place to clean today. SO much more to do. I got my room, the kids' room and the hall all patched, wiped down and vacuumed. Tomorrow is the dreaded bathroom :( Possibly the dreaded kitchen too, depends on how much time I have.

I am so incredibly stoked right now. Not only did both of my kids get picked (out of a 'lotto' drawing) for the best school in town, but their bestest friend is going there too! Tonight was their orientation, meet the teacher, check out the class and playground, teacher-parent questions and such. They seem pretty excited. My mood is noticeably elevated by the fact that they got in and now also knowing that their friend is there! His mom and I and the kids are going to meet again tomorrow so they can play in the playground. Yay! I heart her, she's awesome. We both held up our families by talking. Finally I'm making friends with a friend of the kids' mom! I'm so awkward and shy that it's very difficult for me to be social. Luckily she seems pretty social and we seem to click.

After that we dropped off Nana and went to Kohl's. The kids had seen toys they wanted yesterday but I made them come home to count their piggy bank money before buying them. They had more than enough. They each had a roll of quarters and two rolls of pennies for the tax. I had them pay the lady, separately, take the bag and receipt, all on their own like big people :) I also bought them $5 stuffed animals they have now fallen in love with. I call it the back to school stuffed animal. I'll make it tradition! ;)

We took our time getting there and getting back and I think Nana knocked back a couple of stiff ones while we were gone cuz she's far gone drunk now. It makes me so angry! She acknowledged the subject of drinking yesterday. She's on Weight Watchers too and said she counts her drinks at night and doesn't drink as much as she used to. It seemed to be true. Last night. Tonight it wouldn't surprise me if she just plain lost count. Luckily I have the kids to keep me busy until bedtime, so I don't have to hang out with her when she's like this. It seriously infuriates me. And I knew this was going to end up being one of my big stressors once I moved in. But I can deal.

For those who don't know, I just moved into my mom's house. I had very few entries while living as a resident manager. I was severely depressed, especially in February. So in the black abyss that there is a week I don't remember. At all. Since then I got on a medication that has helped immensely, but I kept having episodes of frantic inability to be a parent. I finally determined....I can't parent my kids on my own. I needed help. I was not about to go find a guy who wanted to step in, that's not how I choose guys, and frankly, anyone who WANTS to enter this chaos at this point in my life can't possibly be mentally sound :P
So mom has let me move in. There will be more costs, more than what I had RMing, because all was paid for there, and I have to learn to cook. Which is one of the reasons I wanted to move in. She was also very clear about not being a built in babysitter, which I didn't expect at all. I also need someone else to help me stay on track. No, I'm not capable of doing that myself.

So how has it been? Trying. Neither of us gets a break now. My mom's freedom is totally gone. We were counting on Deadbeat to come down and take them out for awhile but when 10am came and went, I had a feeling it wasn't gonna happen. I called him and left a message at his landline. I called his cell and, shocker, it's turned off, again, for non-payment. Nick was so excited to see him, he had on his Raiders hat, he was sitting on the box outside waiting and Deadbeat called back. He said he didn't have the money to come down for a few hours. He couldn't have told me that yesterday when I called? I told him the kids were excited about the move, they were hanging out and having fun so could the visit be Sunday instead. He said sure. Apparently later he decided it wasn't worth it to drive down? He sounded like he was almost getting back at me. What he doesn't seem to get is that he is taking it out on the kids! I had him tell Nick on the phone. When Nick got off the phone he said that daddy told him I wouldn't let them see him. WTF?!? He's fucking lying to them now??

So we went to Wal Mart to get Back to School supplies. Luckily they had a list because I was gonna send them to Kindergarten empty handed. The trip was intended to get new lunchboxes and we ended up with a cart full of supplies. My mom pointed out that schools are supplying a lot less than they used to. By the time we got home I wanted to curl up and go to sleep. But that wasn't an option. My mom tried to lay down in her room but I think the yelling and arguing of the kids kept her from napping. I felt bad. I took them with me to the old place to grab some things, but that wasn't much of a break for her.

Em got in trouble at the dinner table and was sent to her room. She fell asleep pouting. Now, unfortunately, she has woken up and will probably be awake until 11pm or later. But Nick got to watch one of his movies with just mom and me and I think he liked the one on one time. It's going to be tougher to do that with living here.

Heading to bed, my feet are killing me.

Once home the kids wanted to build it build it build it!!! I compromised with opening the boxes the next night. They so badly wanted to help, Em grabbed a pole and started yanking. It hit me. I told her to stop but she's going through a phase where she doesn't stop the first time she's told, so she slammed it into my knee with the next yank.

At Ikea, seeing how tall the bed was, I realized it might be TOO tall. So we arranged for the maintenance people come cut it down with a pipe saw on Friday. Which meant I couldn't build it until then. Luckily the kids were having a blast...
Cardboard sliding and

and "cardboarding" - it's like snowboarding, only not ;)

This made my house a scary disaster for days.

Thursday night I moved their beds, standing them up on their sides, to get them out of the way. Somehow I knocked one of the heavy steel bed frames loose and it went falling....right. towards. the. FISH TANK!!! It was like slow motion, and I knew the fish were toast. It was like it was choreographed...and landed against the wall perfectly around the tank. It was amazing...thank you guardian angel!!

The next day I was measuring the bed height, to figure out how much should be cut off. I pieced together two poles and the headboard and measured. When I was done, I popped out the poles....and again in slow motion, saw the heavy ass headboard falling toward my foot. I braced for impact. It hurt. And bruised immediately.

Despite the injuries I had already endured, I forged ahead with my plan to build this bed....even though the instructions say to have two people. And I did it dammit, all by myself!!
Towanda!!


I only needed help with the mattress, everything else I did myself :D

Oh, I DID break my pinkie nail though....